Placement Pressure: And why none of it really matters
Only performers and competitors truly understand the high one gets from coming off stage after a good run. As a competitor I usually work on the same routine for months, even a year putting in hours of training and dumpsters of money all leading up to those 4 amazing and terrifying minutes on stage where I feed on the cheers of the crowd and share my art in a way uniquely me. I pass on several social events to get a good night’s sleep for training or because I have training already scheduled. I pile up expenses, including scraping and budgeting to afford classes, travel, hotel, registration fees, costuming, nails, and miscellaneous things. Continuous rotation of soreness, injury, and K-Tape, so much K-Tape. My body looks like a NYC subway map in the weeks leading up to the big moment. All the stress of scheduling training and traveling around an already busy life of work, family, lovers, and curveballs. All the meltdowns from anxiety, stress, frustration, and imposter syndrome flare-ups. It all comes down to this blip in time on stage. Then, in a blur and an out-of-body experience later, it’s over. God willing, you had a good time while you were up there. Some come off with the high of performing, others the high of it all just being over. Though I have shed some tears in early performances when things didn’t go well on stage, I still have always had a good time. You feel on top of the world, and nothing can take that away from you. You are a Golden God. You are a superstar. You are… IN LAST PLACE!??????
All that work and I’m at the same place I’d be if I just walked on stage, made a fart noise with my armpit, and walked off? What about all the praise and applause? What about all the amazing feedback? Last place? Why do the judges hate me so much? Am I really that terrible? This was my experience after performing the best run of my routine at Nationals this past August. Trusted friends and coaches who would never sugar coat expressed their pride in my growth and my level of skill. I kept getting stopped by people left and right, amazed by my piece. My close friend was convinced I’d placed. Coming in last was not even a consideration. Well, the judges and scoring had a different feeling.
Then come the tears and the rage. You start questioning if you are any good or should compete anymore. You hate the judges for not appreciating what you put out there and diminishing it to merely numbers and decimals. Where sheer moments ago I was dancing around the hotel room, cheering along to Bring It On and having a much-deserved glass of wine, I was now having a diva meltdown that would make even Mariah Cary say, “Girl you need to chill”. I am not proud of this but It’s human, and all feelings are valid. So how do we get through our misplaced mindsets on placement?
I am constantly a work in progress and maneuvering through this issue as we speak but don’t worry, I got your back.
1. Score Ain’t Nuth’n but a Number
Scores are just numbers selected by the interpretation of someone judging subjective art. Placement is just the listing of said numbers in order from greatest to least. That’s it. That’s all. It’s not fact or a personal judgment, it’s just the view of three individuals, often volunteers, who wanted to get out of paying for a ticket. Just like any of us who has ever signed up to pole clean, stage manager, work the door, or other tasks handed out at events. This is not to say some judges aren’t guilty of bias or lack of pole-move knowledge, but when it comes down to it, it’s not about you. Yes, core fundamentals are judged like technique and cleanliness. Even that shouldn’t be taken as personal but more so a teachable moment. I have mastered several advanced moves but pointing my ankle? You got a better chance of me remembering a group of people’s names I was just introduced to. (and trust me that is very far-fetched). When looking at placement, for all you know, the first place and last place could be a mere half-point difference. Often the race is tight, and, in the end, there has to be a bottom and top half. Sometimes the difference is by a toe point or holding a move a second longer. In the end, basing our lives on numbers has never been ideal. Anyone who’s struggled with diet culture knows that. As corny as it is, it comes down to your personal best and how YOU feel about the performance.
2. Mirror, Mirror, on the Wall
The focus should be less on what others say, positive or negative, and more on what you think and feel. Did you get through it despite 10 minutes prior having a full-on panic attack? Was this the smoothest or cleanest run you’ve done with this routine? Did you have a blast up there? Do you feel a weight off your shoulders now that it’s over with? Did you just lose your performance or competition virginity? There are so many ways to look at your personal experience positively and that’s the only one that matters. None of us are getting paid for this (kudos if you are!), so you might as well have a good time and be proud of all you’ve accomplished.
3. You Are Here.
We have all been told before to “Stay present and in the moment”, to the point of almost cringe. The most annoying part about it is, it’s absolutely correct. Before I went downstairs to look at my placement in the lobby, I was having the best time. It had done a great performance, and my coach and friends were proud. The stage manager who’d been watching my progress for years was proud of me and almost brought me to tears. I was on a crazy performance high from pride, adrenaline, and pure joy. I love performing and I had a blast up there. After, I went back to my hotel room to relax and help my teammate get ready for his event. I poured myself a well-deserved glass of rose’, and we put on a marathon of Bring It On movies. We were dancing around, and I was quoting every single word of every single cheer, and the vibes were immaculate. I was basking in my glory while also excited to see my pro-level friends perform that night. A perfect day. At least it should have been. Eventually, my curiosity got the best of me, and I went down to have a look at the standings. That’s when it all came crashing down. When I saw I was dead last the wind was taken out of my sails, and I immediately started crying for close to an hour in my room. All that pride of accomplishment was gone in just a flash of a number on a paper. It brought me back to my eating disorder days where I’d feel so sexy and beautiful and then I’d go on the scale, see the number, and crumble and cancel my plans. I hate admitting I let this have such an effect, but it did and I’m only human. Moving forward I have decided I will no longer be looking at placement. If I am placed for an award one of my lovely pole family members will let me know so I know to stay in costume for pictures. If I didn’t, then I didn’t, but I don’t need to know the placement. I hope eventually I can get to the level that knowing my placement won’t bother me but for now this is my best tactic to keep my bliss. The point is, to stay in the moment. Ride that performance high, enjoy the time with your friends, and make new friends. Be inspired by other performances. Order room service. Take selfies. Buy cool things from vendors. Make this time your experience and only allow the things that bring joy into it. Numbers be damned.
Every time you walk into a class, sign up for a competition, or participate in performances, you’ve already won. Nothing can take away the hard work you’ve put in and the personal growth you’ve gained. Nothing can take away the bonds made with class and teammates and fellow competitors you’ve met along the way. In the end, once the weekend is over, rarely does anyone remember who placed where, they just remember the pieces they loved and the things that made them feel good. Only we can control how we let our emotions direct us. It’s never easy and takes lots of non-linear work but, in the end, be kind to yourself. Don’t take life too seriously, none of us are getting out alive.
- Placement Pressure: And why none of it really matters - September 27, 2024
- “You Better Werk”: And Ode to Hype Beasts - August 23, 2024
- Nothing Gold Can Stay: A Guide Through “Post-Event Grief” - July 26, 2024
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